The Road of Certain Death: Luang Prabang - Chiang Mai

One of many beautiful temples in Luang Prabang, Laos UNESCO protected town on the Mekong home to colonial French architecture and plenty of temples

Beautiful waterfalls on the outskirts of Luang Prabang provided our first fresh water swim since New Zealand

The hilltop view of the other side of Luang Prabang

The main drag - at night this comes alive with street vendors selling everything

After two rest days in Luang Prabang it was time to hit the road. We didn’t have long to get to Chiang Mai. It felt like even less time to get to Mandalay and our flight to Kolkata for Christmas. The few days had afforded my body enough time to kick the rest of the illness and I was feeling rather good as we cycled out past hills shrouded in mist. The sun broke through and it was hot. It was hot for all 120kms as we crossed the beautiful Mekong River for the last time. As we approached the end of the day we saw a field in full view of the mountain range to the east that looked too good to pass up. We stocked up on snacks (in particular a devilish oreo interpretation biscuit) and, when no one was looking, ducked into the field and behind the tall scrub that covered us from the prying eyes of the road. We set up camp and got the cooker out for the first time. I had usually used proper stove fluid for the fuel source but that was impossible to come by. Instead I had filled it with diesel, much to Arthur’s approval. Priming the bottle I cleared the area. I didn’t want the others to go down in a fire ball of glory as well if my rather modest flick through the manual didn’t prove effectual. The stove fired up and we had a spankingly good meal cooked by yours truly - it even featured a varying menu to cater for the meat eaters. Sautéed Pork and gourmet organic free range prime NZ beef sausage tossed with seasonal vegetables in garlic and hand cut rice noodles was the winner on the day. The veggie version was just as saucy.

Crossing the Mekong for the last time

One of the rare stretches of straight, flat and relatively well maintained roads in Laos. This was certainly not the norm

The tents are small but very comfortable and oh so camouflage

Our Optimus Stove is the best stove we have ever used, vastly superior to the Whisperlite International. The base is more stable and the adjustability far more user friendly. Somehow I didn't blow us up, I think more a result of an idiot proof product rather than the know how of the man operating!

Cooking up a storm for the hungry boys

The next day we woke with intrepid hearts. We were going the back roads across the spine of Northern Laos mountain range. It rose before us like Mt Doom in front of Sam and Frodo. Our bikes, our weighty rings, bravely trundled upward as we geared up for the impossible. The road deteriorated. It was hot. Pot holes were everywhere and the road started undulating. The undulations were not like undulations we were used to. They went down so violently we were forced to duck through gravel and potholes at about 15kph… on the downhill. The uphill was so horrifically, impossibly steep our rear wheels were losing traction in the dry. There are few that will appreciate just how steep these were but if you take the Bollock Track near Western Springs and kick it up a few notches of gradient and let off a few cluster bombs on its surface and turn the sun up a few degrees celsius you may get the feeling.

The top of a violent ascent. To the right of this photo is where we camped at 1200m altitude, absolutely exhausted

By this stage we were down off the worst of the climbs

Meeting some friendly local kids. We tried to get them to join our end of country shot but they were a bit nervous

Cresting the top of one of these bastards and beginning the slow roll down the dangerous other side I noticed a blur of blond nordic god, tanned and muscular, fly past me, crying in despair. It turned out to be Sean of all people. His brakes had worn down sufficiently in the morning session through violent undulation after violent undulation that they ceased to provide stopping power. The presence of a truck parked in the middle of the road added to the chaos. He managed to crash into the ditch, avoiding all serious injuries but by god there was a sure dip in the mental health of the troupe. Was it possible to crest the category 1 mountain in one day? Were we going to be able to make it out of Laos or were we to remain, trapped on the side of the mountain to live as goats for the remainder of our years? After riding from 7.30 am to 5 pm we decided, with fading light, to call it a day, only a few hundred metres from the summit. We had covered 67kms in what was the most challenging cycling of my life. We set up camp atop the mountain by the roadside, concealed and delighted to be off the bike and through most of the challenging terrain to Thailand.

Exhausted, covered in dirt from crashing, battered, bruised, but still capable of winning Mr New Zealand 2017. It was a hard day

The next day started the same way. It was a cool morning. We worked hard through the most treacherous terrain known to both man and elephant. I would be lying if I said it was safe. Chances of death were high. Many dangers presented themselves - falling rocks, landslides, potholes, pumas, tarmac turning to shingle at no warning, and opium dealing, gunslinging hooligans intent on killing anything in sight. Fortunately we came across none of the latter. Truth be told the greatest danger to us was ourselves. Mental health breakdown. It was after a few minutes on a violently steep hill that ascended 100m vertical in less than a kilometre that Arthur and I heard the yell. We turned, wild eyed, to see Sean's bike in the ditch and the long haired man looking to the heavens for help, tears in his eyes. He was begging for mercy. For the first time on this trip, his atheist prayers were answered.

The terrain improved after 20kms and breakfast. Massive Chinese investment in the area meant that the roads became gloriously flat and smooth. The pace increased and we found ourselves on the border with Thailand the next day by midday. The border crossing was unbelievably easy. The Thai border guards welcomed us with a warm photo and smiles - it was a relief to be back in Thailand with the smoothest of roads extending in front of us and the mountains, after a few last throws, behind us. We cycled like men possessed on glorious smooth tarmac. By the end of the day we had 148kms to our names and the biggest day of the trip to that point. It felt easy. Far too easy. Laos trained us well.

The road up to the Thai border post gave us one last steep parting gift

Some of you keen followers will be aware of the puffy face incident. I woke up, over a series of days, with a wildly inflated face. The cause still remains unknown. It was damaging to my self esteem and fortunately has passed. Here we cross into Thailand

The Thai side of the border

Captain PowerPuff Boy and Arthur gear up for another hill

The mist hung rather dramatically over the valley. No terrain could stop the inevitable train

Beautifully smooth Thai roads. My god they were good. Even though we had to climb it didn't matter. We were only limited by our own legs, not the quality of the road

Another example of a beautifully smooth Thai highway

The next few days saw us riding past the most incredible temples and Thai landscapes. The locals all too commonly came out to give us bananas to keep us fuelled. It felt like another world. It felt like we had ridden back into the most wealthy country on the planet. Convenience stores everywhere and glorious roads. We arrived in Chiang Mai after only four days of riding, earning ourselves an extra day off, which was very much needed.

There are flowers everywhere... and no-one to by them for HA!

How these hubs have continued to hold together I don't know. Laos put the brakes to the test that's for sure

Always smiling. Sometimes we cry but we don't get that on camera

Thailand - the return of the land where you can get anything you want at any time. They love having fun and they love eating good food

Chiang Mai was a lot larger than I had expected. For some reason I thought it was going to be a small town in the middle of mountains and jungle but it is Thailand’s second largest city. We spent the four days eating (as much as the budget allowed), planning Indian visas which we would have to apply for in Yangon, visiting temples, eating bread from the most amazing bakery, and zipping around the city’s waterfalls and hills on scooters. It had been a week since Laos. Miraculously I had gone a week without being sick. Everyone was feeling good. I was nervous about the Myanmar border crossing. Technically we didn’t have the complete paperwork to get over, despite having the visas. We were rested and ready to ride the 360km sou/west to the border to discover our fates. It was either almost a month in Myanmar, or a ride back to Bangkok. Both would have been good but we were desperate to get to Myanmar. Stay tuned for the next instalment of… The Big Bike Trip!

We select the largest possible books to keep us going for as long as possible. The James Joyce had to be swapped, however. It was just too maddening

Sean doing what Sean does best and taking great shots. Please buy all his prints. Not only will they skyrocket in value one day when he becomes very famous but they are very beautiful and proceeds go to LBCNZ